


Secret Santa - A Clandestine Christmas

by TinderWulf



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-21
Updated: 2012-12-21
Packaged: 2017-11-21 22:13:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 3,877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/602644
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TinderWulf/pseuds/TinderWulf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Christmas side chapters that can go with <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/561464/chapters/1002916"> Clandestine. </a> </p><p>Just a little Christmas fun on the Normandy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Super huge thanks to my beta, SIlverWolfQueen, for editing this for me! 
> 
> Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Joyous Kwanzaa, and Happy Holidays to all. <3
> 
>  
> 
> P.S. Legion is included in these chapters.

It was the bells that brought her fully out of sleep. Bells and familiar sound of the song that was playing in her head. 

No not her head, the intercom.

“EDI!”

[Yes, Commander?]

“What the hell is that noise?”

[Flight Lieutenant Moreau thought it would add to the festive atmosphere.]

Ah, yes. Christmas. _Please tell me I didn't quote Sparatus. Great and now I'm a scrooge._

“Okay, but why is it playing up here?”

[Executive Officer Vakarian requested I do so. He wished for me to inform you that he has a surprise for you.]

A surprise? “I'll be down in a minute.”

They were going to be docking at the Citadel in a few hours so that the crew could go get gifts for the 'Secret Santa' thing they would be doing. Shepard had Kolyat's and Ms. Wong's names included, then they all chose a name the old-fashioned way. One at a time picking a small strip of paper from a mixing bowl. Even Legion and EDI had been included though no one was sure how to handle that.

Shepard herself had drawn Gardner's name. Garrus, in a small fit of panic, came to her in the middle of the night to get ideas for Doctor Chakwas. And Lylal. Turians may not celebrate Christmas, but having human friends tended to put them in the spirit of giving. 

EDI, after having scoured the extranet, requisitioned them all ugly, knitted Christmas sweaters. Some of them were tasteful, but some looked like a hippi vomited on it. Shepard's sweater was black with a green decorated Christmas tree on it. EDI had ordered Shepard an elf's hat on Shepard's request and also allowed the option for a hat or decorative head band for the crew. 

Kasumi, bless her heart, made Shepard a pair of snowflake earrings. They were beautiful. Almost too pretty to wear. Shepard was also thankful Miranda had re-pierced Shepard's ears while reconstructing her.

“EDI, am I expecting to dress in my Christmas apparel?”

[Yes, Commander. The entire crew have also done so.]

Today would be a walking and shopping day, so comfort was at the top of the list. Jeans and sneakers. She might look like something out of the 1980s, but she would at least be comfortable.

Once her earrings were in place and her green fluffy hat angled perfectly on her head she exited her room to make for the elevator. But she ran right into a wall of drell and turian.

She couldn't hold back her laughter once she got a look at them. 

She gratefully took her surprise from Garrus. Deliciously creamy hot chocolate.

“It isn't that funny Shepard. We are just getting in the spirit of your holiday.”

Garrus was wearing a light tan sweater with a dark brown reindeer on the front. There were little white stitches everywhere that Shepard assumed was supposed to be snow or stars. And on Garrus' head....reindeer antlers. Shepard covered her mouth with her hand to muffle the laughter. 

“Don't laugh, human. I can't wear one of those fancy hats like you can so I had to opt for something that would sit on my head.”

“It's really cute Garrus. I'll bet a kid wants to take a holo with you today.”

Garrus huffed playfully, completely enjoying her teasing. She turned her attention to Thane, his sweater dark brown with a green cactus wrapped in Christmas lights.

“Do you know what that plant is, Thane?”

Thane looked down to view his shirt, confused. “Ah, no. Perhaps you do?”

Shepard smiled, “It is a cactus. A plant that is native to the desert on Earth.”

Thane smiled wistfully, “Perhaps you can show me someday.”

“Absolutely. Arizona and New Mexico in the United States have different types of cacti.” On Thane's head was a fluffy Santa hat. “Are you guys ready to do some shopping?”

Garrus nodded. Thane however had other plans. “I am taking Kolyat his sweater. I am unsure how long I plan to visit him, but I thought we could just share the same cab to Zakera.”

Shepard clapped her hands together, “Sounds like a plan. Let's go.”


	2. Chapter 2

They joyfully ignored the stares from everyone as they breezed through customs and briefly paused by Captain Bailey's desk where she slipped an old-fashioned card on top of a datapad All while his back was turned as he spoke to an officer. 

The C-Sec officers themselves were amused. Human and turian alike. Most of them had been around long enough to know what the fun clothing was for even if they didn't celebrate the holiday. 

Once they agreed to meet up for lunch with Thane, Garrus and Shepard walked arm-in-arm to the Zakera Cafe shop so she could pick up Gardner's gift.

“No, I need something multipurpose. He cooks for seven different species.” Shepard stated. She wanted to gift to be something that would make things easier on the chef.

“I see. What species?”

“Human, turian, quarian, krogan, salarian, asari, and drell.” Shepard was sure the turian shopkeeper's eyes got bigger with each species.

“And they all get along?”

“Of course they do, and if they don't I will kick their ass.” Garrus made an amused noise that tickled her ear drums. The turian across from her nodded as he began a search in his inventory for a product to serve all the species.

“Ah! I found something. It is a little expensive though.”

“What are its features?” Shepard leaned forward on the counter to give the turian her full attention while Garrus browsed the kiosk for turian spices.

“Primarily it is very similar to a humans food processor and steamer. It slices and dices. Puree's, you name it. It has a special attachment for turian cuisine which is a bit tougher to prepare than human cuisine.”

“He does complain that the knives dull quickly.”

The man nodded, “This attachment is made with the same metal turian cooking blades are made from.” He touched a thumbnail to enlarge another holo. “This here is for quarians. Do you have a food sterilization machine on your ship?”

“No, we've been buying pre-sterilized MRE's.”

He flipped the through a few holos before coming to the one he wanted. “This attachment will allow the food to be sterilized after it is cooked. All that needs to be done is you place the food in this container that comes with it, then set the machine to do its job. The container is specially designed so that the food is thoroughly sterilized.”

Shepard awed over the attachment. Tali would love having fresh food.

“Now the krogan. This attachment, which attaches to the same place that the quarian piece would, flash steams fresh and frozen fish. It reduces the cooking time and fish smell tremendously.”

I'm sold.

“The steamer can also be used to cook salarian cuisine.”

Thank you for not saying insects.

“Asari prefer more sweetened foods and this small attachment can puree fresh ingredients then cook them slowly into a sauce. And lastly, drell. Drell cuisine isn't much different from human. The only big difference being milks and desserts. This attachment can make drell ice cream. They don't use milk like humans do, they use a mixture of fruit juices or even water. I guess it would be more like slushies or smoothies. It is just a little different. It can also steam and slow cook just like the human foods.”

“I'll take it.”

“Just like that?”

“Yes. My crew are hard working and they deserve real food at the end of the day. Also throw in a spice for each species please. Do you gift wrap?”

The turian shook the shock away, “Well it comes in a large black case. Easy for storing away. I do have human bows.”

“A big red one?”

“Yes.”

“Just slap that puppy on top of the crate then. And put the spices inside of the crate. Is the box free of wording? I don't want anyone to know what is in the crate.”

“I don't have a puppy and I can assure you I wouldn't slap it. I can put the spices in the crate, the box is plain and black. No wording whatsoever.”

Shepard laughed. “I meant slap the bow on there. _Slap the puppy on there._ is just an expression.”

After giving the details for delivery and relaying instructions to EDI, Shepard and Garrus set off to pick up Doctor Chakwas' gift.


	3. Chapter 3

When they returned to the ship (Thane in tow) after lunch, they were welcomed with the light scent of pine and the warmth of Christmas lights. Softly glowing, colorful lights. Strung up everywhere. Even Legion had not been missed. 

“Shepard-Commander.”

“Legion, why are you wrapped in lights and garland?” His Christmas vest was barely visible under the wrappings.

“We wished to be festive.”

“Well...mission succeeded. You look great.”

“Thank you, Shepard-Commander.”

On the crew deck, someone had managed to find and assemble a fake Christmas tree in front of the medbay windows. The tree lights were white. It was a nice with colored lights lining the windows and halls. There were gifts already under it that would be opened tomorrow after breakfast. Garrus added his wrapped gift to the growing pile. It looked like the one Shepard bought was pushed against the railing to prevent smaller ones to fall into the cracks. 

“EDI, is the crew all on board?”

[Yes, Commander. The last just arrived.]

“Put me on the intercom please.”

[Go ahead.]

-[Reindeers, Elves, and Santa's helpers: This is your Captain speaking. Everyone has one hour to prepare for our trip to the Citadel orphanage where we will help C-Sec give out donated Christmas gifts. Then we will join C-Sec in singing some carols on the Presidium. You do not have to join in the singing if you aren't comfortable with it. You can instead help with the line of people who are coming out to see Santa Claus. We will meet in the docking bay in one hour. Shepard out.]-

That done, it was time to make sure her non-human crew members had been rehearsing their Christmas songs.


	4. Chapter 4

There were so many children at the orphanage. They were healthy and happy at least. 

The C-Sec officers handed out gifts while the Normandy crew helped the children remove the toys from their packages. They all stayed for an hour, playing with the children, before they began to leave. The children were tired and happy. A rare combination.

* * *

Shepard had planned to sing, but she ended up getting roped into the Mrs. Claus role by Bailey. 

_“It'll be great for the kids, Shepard. A real-life super hero here to pose for holos after they get done telling Santa what they want for Christmas.”_

_“Fine Bailey, but if the dress resembles anything like the ones I've seen in extranet catalogs, I will be forced to shoot you.”_

_Bailey laughed, “Fair enough.”_

So here she was in a red dress sitting a five feet away from Santa. The dress itself was very tasteful, and beautiful in Shepard's opinion. She had been worried the red of the dress would clash against her hair and make her look ill. The deep shade of red chosen complimented her nicely though.

The long sleeved dress stopped at her calves. She wore black boots that matched Santa's. It was all very comfortable. 

Kasumi had helped fix her hair up and out of her face making her snowflake earrings sparkle even more. 

Shepard helped pull young children on her lap for a holo and a candy cane. More often than not, they also wanted a hug from the first human spectre. Even parents asked to pose with her.

What Shepard hadn't expected was the number of non-human children. She smiled down at the small, shy turian sitting on her lap. He was adorable. Then there were asari, salarians, and even an elcor. Of course Shepard couldn't hold an elcor on her lap so she stood next to the young and joyful female. 

“With extreme happiness: Thank you, Commander.”

“You are most welcome.”

Blasto showed up after hearing that the first human spectre was posing for free holos. It seemed the hanar was a fan. 

“This one has been following your career for some time. Would you please take a holo with it?”

“I would love to, Blasto! I'm a big fan of you as well.”

“This one is honored.”

Even her crew had taken breaks from singing and entertaining children to pose with her. Shepard ended up sitting on the lap of her male crew members. Except Joker, and he seemed to find it especially humorous when he sat on her lap for the holo. Those crew members that had families on the Citadel were rushed forward through the line to take holos with her and their family member. 

Lylal came out to laugh at her. Lylal had no problems setting her heavy ass on Shepard's lap. Then there was Kolyat in his ugly sweater. Pinmel, his mate, and Wyatt showed up as well. Shepard stood with her arms around the turian couple backs for their holo. 

Shepard burst into laughter when Wyatt stepped forward for his holo. He was wearing a headband with a tiny piece of mistletoe attached to a bouncing wire. The humans around them began cat-calling and chanting encouragement to Shepard. 

“Fine, but this is the only kiss I am giving out!” She yelled over the noise.

Then they were kissing, chastely, in front of dozens of people. Shepard blushed horribly when the kiss ended while people cheered at them. 

By the end of the evening Shepard's face hurt from smiling for so many holos. Her rear-end hurt from sitting for so long, and her leg hurt from bony turian tushies. She stood and stretched after the last family departed.

“Shepard, how about some holos with my men?”

“Okay.”, she yawned.

After a half an hour of more holos, and flirty turian hands, she sat on Bailey's lap for one last holo. No doubt the headlines on tomorrows celebrity news would question her and Bailey's relationship. She was going to get a good laugh out of that. 

“Thanks, Shepard. Those kids sure had a good time.”

“You're welcome. Need anything else or am I free to go, Captain?” She teased.

Bailey laughed tiredly. “That's it. Now I am going to go fall into bed. I'm getting too old for this.”

“Santa is supposed to be old. Old with a hot young wife.” They laughed before Shepard said her good-byes.


	5. Chapter 5

Cold. Cold and wet. And pointy? What the hell.

Jane opened her eyes and was greeted with the snout of a familiar varren. “Merry Christmas, Urz.”

“Doll-face, this varren is driving me insane.”

“Sorry, Wyatt. Wrex insisted I take him because he missed me.”

“That's fine. It's just he takes up so much bed room.” Wyatt grumbled.

“I couldn't leave him on the ship. It's shore leave.”

“I know.” Wyatt kissed her bare shoulder. “Merry Christmas.”

Shepard's jaw dropped when Wyatt presented a small black box with a red bow on top. A jewelry box. She smiled in delight as she took it from him. Opening it revealed a new charm. 

A varren paw.

Jane turned toward Wyatt with tears in her eyes. “It's perfect, thank you.”

“You're welcome. I know how much you love that monster. He is pretty loveable once you get passed the bed hog part.” 

Jane laughed before abruptly getting out of bed. When she dug out Wyatt's gift from her overnight bag and turned back to the bed, she found Urz had already taken most of her spot so he could get attention from Wyatt. Jane squeezed in at the head of the bed and waved pyjack hyde in front of Urz's face.

“Merry Christmas, Urz!” Urz followed the tossed treat to the floor. “And Merry Christmas to you, Mr. Lancaster.”

“Thank you. I really don't think anything can beat that bag you bought a few years back though.” Wyatt ripped open the paper excitedly. He rose a brow at her once he recognized the company name on the hard leather case. His jaw dropped when he opened it up. “Medical gloves?”

Jane smiled smugly, “Keep reading.”

When he was done he looked at her like she was the most amazing thing in the world. It definitely helped her ego...not that it needed help.

“Medical gloves that measure blood pressure, heart rate, and can double as a stethoscope sending all the readings directly to the medical-pad! These are fantastic!”

“I thought you might like them.”

“Wow. You are definitely the best wife ever.”

“How about you show me.”

Wyatt closed the case and placed it on his nightstand, “Don't mind if I do.”

* * *

After seeing Wyatt off to work, Shepard made her way back to the ship. Wyatt had to go in early this morning so it was only about 0630 ship time. Most of the crew would be on the ship but she doubted she would see the few that had families residing on the Citadel. 

She and Urz waited patiently as the decontamination chamber completed its cycle. When the door opened EDI turned the Christmas lights on for her. She loved the warmth the colored lights gave her. 

[Commander, do you plan to begin breakfast?] EDI whispered even though the deck was empty save Shepard and Urz.

“Yes I do, is everyone still sleeping?”

[All but Sere Krios and Legion, Commander. I have activated the sound barriers on the crews doors so that you do not awaken them.]

“Thank you, EDI. Tell Thane and Legion they are welcome to join me. When Ms. Wong arrives, please send her to the mess hall. Merry Christmas, EDI.”

[It will be done and Merry Christmas to you, Commander.]

* * *

Shepard hummed softly as she, Thane, and Legion rolled up the dough, sliced it, and placed it on baking sheets. Cinnamon rolls the way her mother taught her. Homemade was always the best. 

Watching Legion try his best for perfection was pretty funny. When his 'eyebrows' flared in frustration, she took pity on him. “It isn't about numerical perfection, Legion. It's about spending time together and making good food to share with friends and family.”

“Consensus achieved: We like your explanation.”

“Siha, will Garrus be able to eat these?”

“Yes. The ingredients are all safe for levo and dextro use. The frosting we will be making has to be colored because they aren't safe for both. Red for levo and green for dextro.”


	6. Chapter 6

One oven was used for the cinnamon rolls, and the other for the human crews egg casserole. This gave her room to fry bacon and sausage on two burners, to slowly cook Thane and Kolyat's breakfast soup on one burner, and Samara's breakfast on the last one. A slow cooker held Grunt's diced fish and a protein substance that resembled scrambled eggs. The steamer held Mordin's foods.

As soon as a burner was free, Shepard began Garrus' breakfast. Solana had been kind enough to send Shepard a recipe of his favorite meal. It was a lot like a steak and cheese breakfast burrito. Shepard made the breading from scratch, then once those were done, she made the innards. 

The breakfast feast was nearly complete when people started stumbling out of their beds. Legion finished cutting up fruit and Thane turned the coffee pot on before adding the tea kettle to a free burner. 

“I smell food and bless ye heart it smells good.” Donnely stated sleepily.

“EDI, will you please make the announcement.”

[Attention crew: Breakfast is being served.]

“Thane grab a plate for you and Kolyat before the crowd rushes in.”

Thane nodded before he waved Kolyat over. Emily joined him in retrieving her a plate as well. Then it turned into a mad rush. Shepard had even replaced Tali's regular breakfast with something special. Shepard had bought a breakfast for her from a cafe that specialized in quarian cuisine making the quarian squeal in delight.

Once Shepard sat down at the head of the table, the crew surprised her by joining hands and saying a prayer. Her heart swelled in appreciation. 

Then everyone was thanking the three that made the feast. 

It was _delicious._

The eggs were cheesy and moist –perfectly cooked. Shepard ate quietly, occasionally tossing Urz a piece of her food, while her crew talked around her. It was wonderful and festive. The only thing that would make it perfect was a few old friends, her family, and Wyatt.


	7. Chapter 7

“Commander?” Shepard looked up to a puppy-eyed grease monkey with a hopeful spark in his eyes. “Who gets to be Santa's helper and pass out the gifts?”

Shepard tapped her chin pretending to think about it. “Well, I suppose you could do it if you wanted to.”

“Aye! Er, I mean, of course I would like to help.”

The dishes were finally cleared off the table replaced with cups of juice or coffee. The counter was covered in that was left of the food and it seemed people were still grazing. 

Donnely recruited Gabby to help hand out gifts, then the sound of wrapping paper and 'ohh's and ahh's filled the mess hall.

Legion's lights fluttered briefly when a gift was laid in front of Shepard. She doubted he knew he'd just given himself away. She removed the perfect green bow from the top and plopped it on her head before unlatching and opening the case. Inside was the most beautiful sniper rifle she had ever laid eyes on. Legion must have caught her oogling his Widow. The one in front of her was slightly modified but pretty much identical to Legion's.

“It's beautiful.” She smiled as she ran her fingers over the smooth, cold metal. “Thank you, Santa. This really is one of the best presents I've ever received!” She smiled when Legion's Christmas lights began to shimmer quickly before going back to a more steady rhythm. 

EDI had drawn Thane's name and with Shepard's help was able to give him exactly what he wanted. By the intake of breath next to her, EDI had succeeded. Two round trip tickets to visit three deserts on Earth. The Sonoran Desert located in North America, The Sahara Pyramids located in Africa, and Spain's Monegros Desert. 

Shepard's omnitool pinged.

> I think that he likes it. Thank you for your help, Commander. And for including me. -EDI

* * *

This years secret santa was a huge success. Everyone was smiling, even Jack. Gardner sat in a state of shock once he opened his large crate before he shed a single tear. Now he was reading directions, intent on using his gift that very night.

Shepard scratched Urz under his chin when he came to lay down next to her. Someone had put a jingle bell collar around his neck and small antlers on his head. He seemed to enjoy the spot light. And being the ships mascot.

She took a sip of her coffee as she looked over all of her crew, most of which were still in their pajamas. All-in-all, it was a wonderful morning and not just because of the presents and the food, but because of the people she got to share it with. 

Shepard loved Christmas.


End file.
